Missing the Child You Love by H. Norman Wright

Author:H. Norman Wright
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780830770243
Publisher: Gospel Light

The Lost Child

There are many ways in which parents can “lose” a child, as well as many ways for a child to become lost. One loss is referred to as an ambiguous loss. There is an incompleteness or uncertainty about it. And it’s one of the most devastating because it isn’t clear or complete. We all want certainty, even if the news is bad.

There are two basic kinds of ambiguous loss. One is when the family member is physically present in the family but psychologically gone or absent. We think of those who are older and have Alzheimer’s or have suffered a stroke; but it could also be a child who suffers a mental illness or suffers a head injury and wakes up a different person.

The other type of ambiguous loss is when the person is still alive or present psychologically, but absent physically, such as a missing child. When this happens to a family, parents and others feel totally helpless. Parents become immobilized, having no way to solve the problem. The uncertainty leaves the entire family crippled. It’s as though they are frozen in place.

And even though this loss may continue for years, they are denied the rituals we perform for a definite loss. How can you have a funeral or a memorial service when there is no death certificate?

Support and recognition for this loss are very minimal because others do not recognize it or they withdraw from it. One of the problems is that, unlike the death of a child, ambiguous loss may never allow you to move through the detachment that helps to bring closure.1

The confusion of ambiguous loss impedes the grieving process. It is one of the most stressful types of lost-child losses.

Runaways

Some children run away because of drug and alcohol abuse. When teens and preteens get involved in substance abuse, they may leave home to hide it from their parents. These are children who are using much more than their parents know or could imagine. They want to use even more drugs freely and openly, so they run away.

Feelings of failure can also cause children to leave home. Some run away because it’s easier to live on their own than to live in a critical atmosphere.

Some children have left home because they were caught cheating in school or became pregnant and were afraid of their parents’ disapproval.2

Let’s return to ambiguous loss when a child disappears from home for one reason or another.

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